Giving it up....

I know that this blog is supposed to be all about Faith and life with her but "life" has over run us....

I have struggled with a LOT of really brutal things over the last 8 months. Things I NEVER thought I would face or be forced to face...
Things that I cannot change or fix or bring back. I have been forced to see terrible things and witness dramatic changes that are too awful to ever get out of my head. Part of the realization is that our lives are forever changed. For me this is a really hard thing to face.

How can your life be so demolished by another person and you have no control over it? It's really frustrating...

Things that meant so much before...our home, our social circle, family...are all slipped down into a dark bottomless hole. Before all this I wanted to stay in our home for the rest of my life...I remember telling him that I wanted to be buried on our property...but now I am miserable here, it seems so empty and bad here.

I know we will have to give up a lot. My car is on the way out, being downsized for a ten yr old minivan. I try to remember that it's only stuff that as long as me and Faith are together that's all that matters but losing everything is hard when your life is destroyed too! I just think what could possibly be worth all this devastation?

My identity as a woman has been shaken to the core...what is left of me? Everything I thought I knew...a lie. How do I come back from that? My friends tell me to move on, forget him, forget our old life, to "get over it", but how do you do that after sixteen years? How do you do that when you don't even have the truth? Some nights i wake with a lump in my throat, sure that it was all a bad dream. I try...I really do...but how do I make sense of half of my life being lied to and never knowing it? I thought we had a Christian home, that we were united, that our family was safe. I don't know how to trust anyone anymore. I can't make sense of things that used to seem so clear. I feel like I am constantly looking over my shoulder, waiting for another terrible thing to happen to us.

I keep praying for wisdom...but I am struggling....

Father, I need your help, please lift me up....