Monday, April 11, 2011

How to be happy when you are fighting a battle alone....

Loneliness...
Something I struggle with daily, now. There is no one to share all the things that happen in Faith's life that can only be shared between her parents and understood. I can tell people about those things but no one really understands. My soul aches to be able to share all her accomplishments but it just isn't possible anymore. At night, when Faith goes to bed, that's the hardest time. I try to keep busy but it's hard. I keep trying to understand things, but I don't think there is any sense to make out of this mess.
But during the days, when Faith and I are together, that is the time when I am happy. We fill our days with lots of work but a tremendous amount of quality time together and THAT is what gets me through. Sometimes we sit on the swing and blow bubbles or take a trip to the dollar store to push the shopping cart around. Some days we will read the same book ten times and other days we will wander around the petsmart to explore all the animals. Filling our lives with good memories and simple pleasures like a walk down the dirt road is how I have been able to survive. Like today, a two dollar goldfish named Spot and a bowl....seeing her explore this new part of her world...helping to make up his bowl....sitting at the counter and watching the fish swim while we talked about it....that's a good day. Seeing her GET the color Red...as in Clifford, the big red dog, while she was working on coloring her own paper...making that connection....that's a good day for me! That is when I feel filled up and fulfilled...when I can see her developing and grasping concepts that people take for granted and said she never would get. I know that God uses these moments to teach me to be grateful and hopeful and to encourage me in the midst of overwhelming grief.
One of my favorite verses when I was pregnant with Faith keeps me going even now...
"Every good and perfect gift is from Above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like the shifting shadows." James 1:17
And now also...
"In Him we were also chosen, having been PREDESTINED according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will...". Ephesians 1:11

3 comments:

April said...

beautiful. I'm so sorry you feel alone at times-- Please know how much you are loved xo!

Cheryl said...

I am so sorry for your feeling of lonliness.

Every since my son Caleb died I have felt extremely lonely at times. I will never get Caleb back and he was with me 24/7 before he died at 17 months old.

I recently did a post on just that feeling of being separated from him (among other things) and having a difficult time.

I think that this is one way that God uses to draw us nearer to him. It teaches me that nothing on earth is guaranteed and that the only one who is unchanging and perfectly faithful is God.

I know that your situation is very different then mine, but I can try to understand to a small degree what you might be feeling. I am so sorry for you and Faith (and your husband too).

((hugs))
With Hope,
Cheryl

Just Writing said...

I am so sorry you're feeling lonely. It is hard raising a special needs child, more so when you're doing it by yourself. I wish I have words of wisdom or comfort for you but I don't, :(