Surgery preparedness....

As our surgery date draws near, I am constantly stiffling panic, fear, worry, irrational thoughts and more fears! This is going to be Faith's 5th surgery, her first four in her first 3+ yrs of life. So we have been fortunate that we have had 2 good yrs w/o any. Each surgery she has had, I suffer from severe anxiety and overprotectiveness. I have fought many an ugly battle with nurses, doctors, nurse managers and even heads of departments! I have repacked Faith's hospital bag twice in the last two days. I get worried about the most irrational things- nurses who want to dose all of her regular meds, techs who can't get veins, doctors performing surgery on the wrong body part... then the really crazy stuff.... leaving a medicine at home, forgetting a vital nessessity, our house burning down while we are gone, someone losing our dog at the kennel.

I just can't help myself. Of course, I worry about the big things! Something going wrong, her having a bad reaction to some medicine, a problem with her neurological status. I know that GOD tells us not to worry... but this is my struggle. I know it stems from our lack of control in all things Faith, but she is so precious.

My main way of dealing with this is overpreparing! I have 2 running lists going, right now. I have about half the things crossed off but I keep adding things to them! At least we are only an hour and a half away, this time. So if we need something bad enough, we can go back. The other thing I am anxious about is that only one parent can stay with Faith. So we are trying for the Ronald McDonald house but won't know until Friday afternoon. The reason I am worried about that is b/c with my diabetes, I often suffer with low blood sugar in the nights. Carl is always there to help me and get my sugar back up. So I will be there with her w/o Carl. I am going to try to keep my sugars up before bed. Better high than low those nights, I guess. We are so busy the rest of the week I am hoping that it will keep my mind off things, as much as possible.

M-O-M, a three letter word for WORRY!

I am sure that all parents feel protective over their chidren, well most anyway. Being a mother of a special needs daughter has given me a very different perspective on life, in general. Before she arrived, I never thought about carseat safety, electrical outlets being uncovered, toys with small parts or taking a shower in my own sweet time! Now that life is so different, I worry about every little thing on the earth. Car accidents, leaving her alone with ANYONE, blisters from AFO's, her weight (is she keeping up?), her developmental progress, doctor appt's, is she having a seizure, why isn't she sleeping and a whole host of other CRAZY worries. Most mothers in my position can appreciate some of these unfounded, irrational worries that can take over your life. I have had people tell me that I need to get away, just go out and enjoy myself! I just want to laugh at them! How am I supposed to go out and enjoy myself when my daughter could have a seizure or get hurt or someone could forget her meds or something worse happen and I wasn't there? Parents or people in general don't understand those fears. You get to the point where it seems like you are holding this little life in your hands and if you take your eyes off for one second something bad is GOING to happen! Then it is going to be your fault and you will have to live with the guilt FOREVER! I know that I am being irrational, probably a little crazy, but how do you deal with all the responsibility? I love my daughter so much and she is such a gift, how can I just drop that, even for a night out? I haven't worked it out in my own mind, yet. Don't know, maybe I never will. She is my daughter, after all.