What'd I tell ya?

OK, I admit I may have inadvertently jinxed myself in my passing comments about living to regret my trip to my mother's. I left early Thursday morning, made good time and arrived before lunch. Went to see my mom, in the hospital...she looked good. She had some swelling but she was walking with a walker and just had a single bandage strip that ran the length of her knee. She was really tired so we didn't stay long. I met my high school best friend for lunch then headed to my mom's house.

The next series of events resembled a scene out of Lemony Snickett's Series of Misfortunate Events! I won't go into great detail but upon arrival and unpacking my entire car we were forced to leave in great haste. I had to throw everything into my car including poor Faith. I finally got everything in the car and went to pull away from the house....when.....smash! I hear this awful noise and a terrible grinding. What had I done? Well, friends, I had hit an old metal rod that was driven into the ground! I hit it with the front passenger's fender and it scraped down the side until it went behind the wheelbase and under the car....where my car got hung!

Unbelievable! I almost ripped the fender off the car and made a huge gash down the side.
My mom's neighbor had to come over and jack my car up and get the post out of the bottom of my car! It was a miracle it didn't pierce the oil pan or transmission, he said!
I was a total wreck! I sat in a local gas station parking lot and cried for a good half hour! I didn't know what to do...I couldn't go back to mom's house and it was too late to try to get back to Raleigh or try to head home. So I swallowed my fear and got a hotel room. I decided that night I was going back home. I sat for what seemed like hours trying to think what to tell my mom. Finally, I just called and said "I am going home, tomorrow" and left it with no room for negotiation. She wanted me to stay. I felt like a terrible daughter. I know she will hold this over my head for....forever. But the living arrangements were unacceptable and I could not have Faith there for a week! It wasn't safe for her. I have been fighting off big time guilt and avoiding my mom's telephone calls. (I know...terrible..)
I don't talk too much about all my family here but most people on my side of the family have had trouble with boundaries. They often ask a lot of me even though they know about Faith. They don't seem to understand the limitations that are brought on by caring for her. I, in turn, have a hard time saying no when I should. I try really hard to be a responsible daughter and do the right thing, the things that children should do for their parents and family but I often end up getting my hiney handed to me. I over do it or can't live up to their expectations because I have to care for and protect Faith and my family just can't understand that.
I think I bring it on myself, sometimes, because I should just draw a line in the sand and say
"No crossing this line!" period! But I let people cross that line and it's hard to put them back.

So here I sit...not helping my mom, not being the "good daughter", not doing what I said I would do. But my responsibilities are really to my family and to my daughter, they have to come first. Even if I am torn, even if my family can't understand, right?

And just to add insult to injury...on our trip home, a trip that should have taken about 5 or 5 1/2 hrs took me almost seven! We got stuck in two serious traffic jams and I took a wrong turn off and added about 45 min. to my trip! I felt like the kid on Charlie Brown with the big cloud over his head!

Knees...

Next week on Tuesday, my mother will be having total knee replacement surgery.

She suffered a traumatic horse riding accident when she was 16 that did severe damage to her left knee and required major surgery. That was nearly 40 years ago. Her knee has grown weaker and become more painful during the last few years and has gotten to the point of no return. Her surgeon said her knee was one of the worse knees he had ever seen. She got a dx of severe osteoarthritis, irreparable ACL damage and a few other things I can't remember.

My mother lives alone and has no family who can help take care of her so it falls to me.

Faith and I will be traveling to NC, next week, to help her recover. I am very anxious and not looking forward to this trip. First of all, it is a six hour drive....one I have only made twice by myself and never with Faith, alone. Second, my mother is going to need 24 hr care for at least a week following discharge. Third, she is going to be completely incapacitated for a period of time and requiring daily injections of blood thinners. Fourth, my mother is not easy to live with under the best of circumstances.

I feel responsible to go take care of her. I am the oldest child, the responsible one. The only person with care giving experience and medical training. I know she needs me.

But this is going to be.....difficult.

Dealing with her and keeping up with Faith, all by myself. I am very nervous. All kinds of terrible visions float through my head.

I know I have the capacity to do each, individually. But both at the same time....

I pray for strength, determination and patience.

I don't really know what that week will hold but I know it won't be easy. She asked me to stay for a week when I bring her home. I haven't said yes for sure but I am making plans to try to stay, if I can make it that long.

I sure pray that I have the mental fortitude to keep up with everything. One thing I am worried about is if I need to leave the house. I love having a pajama day as much as the next but a week without leaving the house? I don't know if I can take that. Not to mention that my mother lives very simply, she has only one tv with two channels...no living room furniture...no house phone...no extra beds. It's going to be interesting, people.

I have been trying to problem solve with some alternative options but none have presented themselves, yet.

I just hope I don't go crazy. If you hear a national story about a crazy 32 year old mother jumping off a NC high rise, you'll know who it was!