Some new pics of me and my girl

Ok, so we finally got some time at the library to download some pics....finally!

Let me just say that through all this disaster I have lost a tremendous amount of weight. Not intentionally, but when I get under severe stress I stop eating. And believe me...with ALL the responsibility now on my shoulders...well food is at the bottom of my totem pole! Some days, I get to ten at night and I realize that I haven't eaten all day. So, I have dropped about 4 pant sizes! At least I will come out of this looking better...just kidding by the way.I had Faith's care aid make some good pictures of me and my girl to hang in the house to replace all the ones I had to take down. So here is a mix of those and several others in the last few months of all the stuff Faith has been doing..

Faith operating a remote control train..

Faith walking with her new friend, the skeleton, who needs a trip to the prosthetics lab...

These are pics at the Marble's kid's museum in Raleigh NC, Faith had so much fun that I had to drag her out crying!

Faith and one of her best friends at girl scouts, making valentine cards.

These are from the rec basketball games. I love this one of her friends walking her across the court.

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Ok, now for some good news...

Sorry to all my dear friends for my miserable rants lately. There have been lots of really good things happening to Faith over the last months.
I am just gonna make a list since my prose is still struggling...

She is talking more everyday...attempting new words every single day.

She can now recognize when we go to visit family..when we go to my dad's house she gets excited as soon as we turn on his road and she starts pointing in the direction of his house. Super cute!

She is pulling up slowly but surely daily getting closer to standing independently every day.

She is can help get into my new van, stepping up with some support and even turning around to sit down.

She can now reliably recognize letters A,B and C when presented in fields of two. This is huge because my goal was for her to do it over a year but she is doing it now with 3 months to go!

She is, of course, walking holding my hand or a shopping cart.

This one is great, guys.....there is a commercial on GMC for a show called " Sue Thomas FBI" about a deaf woman who reads lips and signs...Faith recognizes that she is signing on the commercial and points it out to me every time she sees it, showing me signs with her own hands! Freaking darling!

She is beginning to understand counting...when I present several of the same objects and ask her to count them she will touch each one in sequence as I say the numbers out loud. You can tell she understands some of it b/c she will sometimes back up to see what number I will say.

She know all about the library now, her favorite place in the world, and gets soooo excited when we arrive there.

This is just a small example of the things she has been doing. She has made so much progress, it is amazing! I am so humbled to be her mom and to bear witness to God's miracles. It has given me so much hope and encouragement that He will provide for us and continue to protect us. I have lost my Internet connection so I haven't been able to upload any pictures yet but I have some neat ones when I get the chance.

Please keep us in your prayers.

Giving it up....

I know that this blog is supposed to be all about Faith and life with her but "life" has over run us....

I have struggled with a LOT of really brutal things over the last 8 months. Things I NEVER thought I would face or be forced to face...
Things that I cannot change or fix or bring back. I have been forced to see terrible things and witness dramatic changes that are too awful to ever get out of my head. Part of the realization is that our lives are forever changed. For me this is a really hard thing to face.

How can your life be so demolished by another person and you have no control over it? It's really frustrating...

Things that meant so much before...our home, our social circle, family...are all slipped down into a dark bottomless hole. Before all this I wanted to stay in our home for the rest of my life...I remember telling him that I wanted to be buried on our property...but now I am miserable here, it seems so empty and bad here.

I know we will have to give up a lot. My car is on the way out, being downsized for a ten yr old minivan. I try to remember that it's only stuff that as long as me and Faith are together that's all that matters but losing everything is hard when your life is destroyed too! I just think what could possibly be worth all this devastation?

My identity as a woman has been shaken to the core...what is left of me? Everything I thought I knew...a lie. How do I come back from that? My friends tell me to move on, forget him, forget our old life, to "get over it", but how do you do that after sixteen years? How do you do that when you don't even have the truth? Some nights i wake with a lump in my throat, sure that it was all a bad dream. I try...I really do...but how do I make sense of half of my life being lied to and never knowing it? I thought we had a Christian home, that we were united, that our family was safe. I don't know how to trust anyone anymore. I can't make sense of things that used to seem so clear. I feel like I am constantly looking over my shoulder, waiting for another terrible thing to happen to us.

I keep praying for wisdom...but I am struggling....

Father, I need your help, please lift me up....

So now what?

So after some of the shock has worn off.......just a little.

I need advice and help setting up a plan. I really need a way to earn some money but a regular job is out of the question.
I have a small idea dealing with a craft that has been stewing around in my head but I don't know how to try it out...fear... Being the operative word here.

I am open to other ideas I am just so overwhelmed I don't know where to turn. I have been praying for a long time that God would make a way to allow me to continue to home school Faith, so that is another monkey wrench in the mix.

All that matters to me anymore is to be able to care for my daughter so I know I have to get on top of things but......it sure is a beast!

So if any of my super smart, helpful, creative, ingenious bloggie friends have some ideas to shoot my way....I would be ever so grateful!

If you would rather email me at faithann04@att.net feel free.


Faith update:
she walked into therapy just holding my hand for the first time! Over to moon, I was! Could it be possible that once again my little iron girl will disprove all the professionals who cast doubt on her? One more huge deal she can walk in the stores now pushing a shopping cart by herself with just a little guiding!

Sorting out the mess...

The reality of it all...

My heart breaks...
Missing my husband, my life, my family...

How do I pick up the pieces?

What happens to us now?
All the hopes, dreams, lives....destroyed.

How am I supposed to do this alone?
How do explain where daddy is?
What do I even want for US now?

What happened?
I don't even understand and I don't even get the truth.

How do I recover? Heal? Forgive?

I don't have the answers...I keep praying for understanding, for healing,
for wisdom, for strength and most of all not to become bitter....
To learn something from this terrible tragedy....

But sometimes...
The answers, the healing, the wisdom and strength sure do take their sweet time finding me.


Please take a moment and pray for me specifically TODAY for my strength and for GOD'S comforting hand on my shoulder as I am weak and my heart is heavy.

Lost.....found....

Hello all my dear blog friends....
We are actually still living and breathing, believe it or not!
I know my post have been cryptic and few over the last seven or eight months but I guess the truth is now pretty public. I ask you all to pray for me and for Faith and for that matter...Carl too.

In July, Carl left us. There...I said it. It was a shock and my heart is truly broken.

I won't go into all the gory details in such a public domain but to say the least.... it has been brutal. Faith and I have been in a tough limbo land with a tremendous amount of changes and uncertainty in our Iives. I have struggled with intense emotions and overwhelm so blogging has been at the bottom of my totem pole. Anyway, I am going to try to get back into this and maybe get some therapy from it. I never expected to become a statistic but I guess there are a lot of things that are just out of our control.

To change the subject to a happier note...Faith is doing really well with her development. She just started walking holding someone's hand in the last few weeks and she is on top of the world! Balance is still a big issue but she is doing tremendously well. She can now identify letters a b and c by pointing and is working on numbest 1 2 and 3. I am so proud and humbled by her drive and determination! She can also get herself off the couch and is even talking more. She was made the honorary captain of the girls 10 and under basketball team complete with her own jersey! She is also being featured on our local hospital's website for the therapy center she attends.

My post will be brief but I will be doing more soon. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we are under intense fire from the enemy and I need God's protection.