Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Giving it up....

I know that this blog is supposed to be all about Faith and life with her but "life" has over run us....

I have struggled with a LOT of really brutal things over the last 8 months. Things I NEVER thought I would face or be forced to face...
Things that I cannot change or fix or bring back. I have been forced to see terrible things and witness dramatic changes that are too awful to ever get out of my head. Part of the realization is that our lives are forever changed. For me this is a really hard thing to face.

How can your life be so demolished by another person and you have no control over it? It's really frustrating...

Things that meant so much before...our home, our social circle, family...are all slipped down into a dark bottomless hole. Before all this I wanted to stay in our home for the rest of my life...I remember telling him that I wanted to be buried on our property...but now I am miserable here, it seems so empty and bad here.

I know we will have to give up a lot. My car is on the way out, being downsized for a ten yr old minivan. I try to remember that it's only stuff that as long as me and Faith are together that's all that matters but losing everything is hard when your life is destroyed too! I just think what could possibly be worth all this devastation?

My identity as a woman has been shaken to the core...what is left of me? Everything I thought I knew...a lie. How do I come back from that? My friends tell me to move on, forget him, forget our old life, to "get over it", but how do you do that after sixteen years? How do you do that when you don't even have the truth? Some nights i wake with a lump in my throat, sure that it was all a bad dream. I try...I really do...but how do I make sense of half of my life being lied to and never knowing it? I thought we had a Christian home, that we were united, that our family was safe. I don't know how to trust anyone anymore. I can't make sense of things that used to seem so clear. I feel like I am constantly looking over my shoulder, waiting for another terrible thing to happen to us.

I keep praying for wisdom...but I am struggling....

Father, I need your help, please lift me up....

8 comments:

Junior said...

Keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. So sorry to hear that you are dealing with so much.

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

I wish I had some magic words of wisdom. I pray that your life gets a bit smoother and you find your new path soon.

@jencull (jen) said...

Oh Candace, I have been on holidays and catching up on my bloggy friends now. I was so excited to see you pop up in my reader, I have thought of you often over the last few months and wondered how home schooling was going.

I have now caught up on your posts and I am so so sorry that this has happened you, that your life and beliefs have been shaken like this. Big hugs on the way to you, I wish I could do more.

Jen

Beverly said...

Oh Candace, I am so sorry this has all happened. I am praying for you and Faith. I know you will both be ok and come out better and stronger than ever. look at how well she is doing. you will look back in a year and see how far you have come. I know it hurts right now and it is so hard to come out of that hurt and depression but you will and GOD has something better for the two of you I just know it. I have faith in that! love and hugs to you both xoxo

Cheryl said...

I am so sorry for your devastating trial.

One thing that always stays the same is God...what a comfort that has been to me during the loss of my son. I have learned that nothing in this world is for certain and that things can change, literally, in a heartbeat.

A Bible verse that helps me get through every day is

“Be still, and know that I am God;...Psalm 46:10

With love and Hope,
Cheryl

my life: said...

I don't have great words of wisdom. Thank you though for sharing this with us. Surround yourself with loving, Godly people and counsel. Allow yourself to grieve, feel it, and then move through it. You are obviously not going to "get over it"...don't accept that pressure.
I don't think there is a right or wrong way to do it...just take care of you and Faith through the process.
Sending love from IN.

The Henrys said...

I agree with what Amber, right above me, said. She said it perfectly! You won't ever get over this but will come out stronger. We are all here for you and are praying for you!

Debbi

TherExtras said...

Try to be open to offers of help - some from places you least expect. God works that way sometimes. Consider professional help, or trained help from a pastor or minister. Barbara