I can still remember lying on the operating table as the doctors cut Faith from my womb. Freezing cold, my teeth chattering. My last moments before becoming a MOTHER, so clear. Then all the bad things happened, a blur of bad memories and heartache. I hardly considered the chances of something going wrong with my pregnancy. I certainly never gave any thought to becoming a mother with a special needs child. Before all this happened, I would have naively classified myself as a strong person. I had struggled through a difficult childhood and come out with quite a few scars but what I thought was stronger. (In hindsight, I believe that my childhood was preparing me for my role as Faith's mother..)
Then SHE came and rocked out world, FOREVER! We were given terrible news, our child was deathly ill. She could EVEN die! They performed CPR on her and brought her back to us although never the same. I remember clearly thinking, trying to wrap my mind around what was going on and if I could just DO something we could make her better! I went into hyper mode, over analysing every decision made for Faith. I walked, on my own, out of the hospital one day after her birth, never taking a single dose of prescribed medication after discharge, despite a traumatic Cesarean! I quickly became SUPER MOM. Rarely sleeping, documenting every tiny detail of her life medically, going from doctor to doctor, therapy to therapy, compiling mass quantities of medical documents and carrying them everywhere. I made lists for emergencies, back up lists were posted on the insides of our cabinets. I felt like if I just did enough things and did them right, then she would be ok. ( I still often feel this way..) I was extremely protective over her, rarely letting people hold her and becoming IRATE if someone touched her without sanitizing themselves. (I still am often this way, too!) I became the LIONESS, as I am often referred to in our family! I was/am ferocious and hyper vigilant.
Now many of you may have gone through some of these same feelings, for a short time or long time, like me. Often I am chastised by well meaning friends and family for focusing too much on her and not "letting go" of her, or my favorite one, "you're gonna wear yourself out!". All insulting to me, MOM to ONE BIG MIRACLE who almost died! So here is my rationale....
I feel so blessed to have been given this opportunity, to see my daughter live, to witness so many miracles, to wake every morning so far and see my daughter's smile! Now how can I turn my back on that responsibly? It is SO sobering to go through the things we have and I can't just carry on like everyone else! How can I be a normal mom, when MY child almost didn't live! She doesn't talk and relies on me and Carl for everything. I feel a HUGE obligation to PROTECT my child and be her DEFENDER and CHEERLEADER. If I am not vigilant, who WILL be? If I don't ROAR at the doctors, who will? If I fall down on the job, who will care for her and keep her safe? There are too many awful people/things in this world. I am not angry about this responsibility, on the contrary! I am honored and thrilled at the opportunity to be there for our daughter! So many parents never get that chance. I am proud to say that I am the LIONESS!
I never knew that I had this internal fortitude, until she plopped in my lap! I didn't know that I could live without so little sleep or without shaving my legs for so long! I didn't know that I could LOVE someone SO much or care so little about myself! I didn't know that I could clean up so much puke or learn so many medical terms. ( I actually had a practicing Physical therapy student ask me if I was in the medical field, a few weeks ago. I almost laughed her out of the office!) I didn't know that I could lift a five yr old a hundred times a day or fold a wheelchair in world record timing! I didn't know that I could become such an advocate or that I would be feared by so many unpracticed plebotomists (blood collectors)! I never knew that I could be so certain of ANYTHING IN MY LIFE! I didn't know my own strength.........
Then SHE came and rocked out world, FOREVER! We were given terrible news, our child was deathly ill. She could EVEN die! They performed CPR on her and brought her back to us although never the same. I remember clearly thinking, trying to wrap my mind around what was going on and if I could just DO something we could make her better! I went into hyper mode, over analysing every decision made for Faith. I walked, on my own, out of the hospital one day after her birth, never taking a single dose of prescribed medication after discharge, despite a traumatic Cesarean! I quickly became SUPER MOM. Rarely sleeping, documenting every tiny detail of her life medically, going from doctor to doctor, therapy to therapy, compiling mass quantities of medical documents and carrying them everywhere. I made lists for emergencies, back up lists were posted on the insides of our cabinets. I felt like if I just did enough things and did them right, then she would be ok. ( I still often feel this way..) I was extremely protective over her, rarely letting people hold her and becoming IRATE if someone touched her without sanitizing themselves. (I still am often this way, too!) I became the LIONESS, as I am often referred to in our family! I was/am ferocious and hyper vigilant.
Now many of you may have gone through some of these same feelings, for a short time or long time, like me. Often I am chastised by well meaning friends and family for focusing too much on her and not "letting go" of her, or my favorite one, "you're gonna wear yourself out!". All insulting to me, MOM to ONE BIG MIRACLE who almost died! So here is my rationale....
I feel so blessed to have been given this opportunity, to see my daughter live, to witness so many miracles, to wake every morning so far and see my daughter's smile! Now how can I turn my back on that responsibly? It is SO sobering to go through the things we have and I can't just carry on like everyone else! How can I be a normal mom, when MY child almost didn't live! She doesn't talk and relies on me and Carl for everything. I feel a HUGE obligation to PROTECT my child and be her DEFENDER and CHEERLEADER. If I am not vigilant, who WILL be? If I don't ROAR at the doctors, who will? If I fall down on the job, who will care for her and keep her safe? There are too many awful people/things in this world. I am not angry about this responsibility, on the contrary! I am honored and thrilled at the opportunity to be there for our daughter! So many parents never get that chance. I am proud to say that I am the LIONESS!
I never knew that I had this internal fortitude, until she plopped in my lap! I didn't know that I could live without so little sleep or without shaving my legs for so long! I didn't know that I could LOVE someone SO much or care so little about myself! I didn't know that I could clean up so much puke or learn so many medical terms. ( I actually had a practicing Physical therapy student ask me if I was in the medical field, a few weeks ago. I almost laughed her out of the office!) I didn't know that I could lift a five yr old a hundred times a day or fold a wheelchair in world record timing! I didn't know that I could become such an advocate or that I would be feared by so many unpracticed plebotomists (blood collectors)! I never knew that I could be so certain of ANYTHING IN MY LIFE! I didn't know my own strength.........
BUT I AM GLAD I DO NOW!
AND SO THANKFUL!
2 comments:
t post! reminds of something a NICU nurse said to once- "You never know just how strong you are until being strong is the only oprion you have."
Faith is beautiful:)
Faith is lucky to have you. I think I pretty much has the same feelings and thoughts as you do.
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