Tuesday, April 13, 2010

What I believe....

So I decided to talk about my perspective on the subject...
When I was 19, I was diagnosed with juvenile type 1 diabetes. I always thought, I would never have kids and when I found out I was pregnant it was the furthest thing from my mind. I had not done the best job controlling my blood sugars but as soon as I found out I was obsessed with testing, every day.
(me when I was about 8 months)
I did a good job (my endocrinologist even said my blood sugars were better than hers) and we were all convinced that our baby would be fine and that we would have a perfectly healthy baby girl.

(The first picture of Faith, about 7 weeks gestation)
Things, of course, did not go as planned. She was turned wrong and had to be delivered via C-section, after 4 hours of pushing. Then she had hypoxia and developed seizures that went unrecognized by the community hospital staff. There was no NICU for her without moving her and putting her into a coma. She had developed a blood clot that lodged itself in the saggital sinus area of the brain that prevented her from getting oxygen. She was NOT OK.

(Faith about 6 months old, you can clearly see the stair step on her forehead that revealed craniosynostosis, a cranio-facial defect of the skull)

Things happened, she suffered a stroke and parts of her brain...died.From the start...I blamed myself. It was ALL my fault! It was...really! I....Candace....held responsibility and blame and control over all that happened to my daughter. At least, that's how I felt back then.

It was a huge burden to bear and I suffered with it for a long time. But grief eventually leads to acceptance and a clearer perspective of reality.

So here is what I believe about Faith and what happened to her...

I believe that Faith was meant to be how she is.

I believe that something may have happened during fetal development that caused her brain/skull to develop abnormally.

I also believe that I should have been delivered at a larger hospital with a NICU, a decision that was ultimately my doctor's. And that the nurses and doctors who cared for her should have identified her condition sooner.

I believe that I am just human and ONLY GOD can control what happens to my child. I can only be the best mom I can be. Even if I don't understand. I am not some special, magical person who can control, fix or change the outcome of a stroke.

I believe that GOD gave us Faith, to show us what true love, sacrifice, commitment and faith is all about.

I also believe that it is absolutely NORMAL for a parent to have those emotions, it's sort of a rite of passage, on that road of grief.

I believe that although it is not easy, although NO parent wants something to happen to their child, although it can be heartbreaking to witness....Faith is MY miracle! She would not be Faith if she were any other way.

Miracles do NOT always arrive with a beam of bright light, they do not always come dancing down the road and tap on your shoulder and say "Hi, I am your miracle". Often they sneak up on you and grab you by your shoe laces and trip you. And at first they can feel like a slap in the face and you want that "miracle" to go back where it came from. But if you give it time and try to learn how to cope....your miracle will flower into this beautiful example of God's commitment and love to His children.

I know that what happened to Faith was not my fault, it wasn't any one's FAULT. Some mistakes were made, things could have been done to catch her stroke quicker. But in the end, she is perfect just the way she is. If I can say my daughter understands love and happiness and compassion...what more could a mother ask for?
(Faith at 11 months old, after her craniotomy. I have to laugh at her hand in this picture!)


Mo said...

Beautiful, Candace. I love your desription of what a miracle can look like...it's all about finding the silver linings and you obviously have. Great post, my friend.

Anonymous said...

Your testimony gives me strength, Candace. I, too, encounter people who do not understand the value of each and every life. I am strengthened by your words for continuing to patiently explain myself to those persons.

Call me a fatalist or whatever, but I to believe things happen just as they are meant to happen. Nothing happens by chance. Barbara

Cjengo said...

Beautiful post Candace, I enjoyed reading it even tho it's sad that this happened to your daughter. I still struggle thinking Jude's stroke was somehow my fault.

Jen said...

I too question myself, and you are right I think that is perfectly normal and every parent does. I find it comes and goes that I don't do it ALL the time, and it is easing as time goes by. It is lovely to see there is a place at the end, where you are:) Thank you. Jen.

Junior said...

beautiful, Faith is certainly your miracle.
I have a different situation since Junior is not my birth child. I do believe that he is the way he is for a purpose and in God's eyes he is perfect.

April said...

Oh that post made me cry... so beautifully said. Thank you.... I loved "your miracle will flower into this beautiful example of God's commitment and love to His children."
She truly is a miracle!

The Henrys said...

Beautiful, just plain beautiful. You are so right in all that you wrote, and I can relate to a lot of your feelings. I love how you wrote that all a mother asks for is their child to understand love and happiness. That is so true! I look at Gracie and I think if she can be this happy, then so can I!!

I really enjoyed seeing all of these pictures, especially the middle finger in the last picture. I have several of those types of pictures of Caleb.

caryanne said...

Absolutely Beautiful! Tears are flowing...

Katy said...

Awesome, awesome, awesome! Such beautiful words.

Love the pictures of baby Faith too!

Territory Mom said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I love yours and the design. Wonderful words. I'm so happy God brought us together. Faith is beautiful!!!

jocalyn said...

Absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story. You'll never know how much your beautiful family serves as encouragement to me and mine. You are an amazing woman and mother, and Faith is an amazing little girl.

She has been a beauty since day one! And, I think the finger is hilarious too!


Cheryl said...


What a beautiful post!

Coming from a mom who lost her son because he was trying to get out of his crib and asphyxiated, I have also struggled with if only, if only, etc.

I keep going back to: O'Lord, You have examined my heart and know everything about me...Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex...You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. Psalm 139: 1, 14, 16

Our children's lives were already determined before they were born. Even their day that they die was known by the Almighty. How comforting that is to me.

Thanks for sharing your story and your Faith!

With love and hope,

fiona2107 said...

Oh your writing is beautiful!
I had tears running down my face as I read about your gorgeous daughter and was incredibly moved by your faith in God through it all.
I am a mum of 3 children. A girl and 2 boys. Both of my boys are dx with autism and I know that without Jesus I wouldn't be able to face the daily challenges that I do.
I also agree without the notion that God knew what he was doing when he entrusted them to me to raise even though many times I doubt myself.
And I do believe that He can do miracles and heal in an instant but his miracles are not always what we think they should be.
Bless you heaps. Fiona :)